A Thousand Thoughts

on’t leave.”

 

Slowly, Tang Cuo finally stopped and looked at him, but his face was already red, and he couldn’t catch his breath.

 

“Are you feeling better?”

 

It was as if Tang Cuo had just woken up from a dream, and his eyes regained some spirit.

 

“I’m sorry…” Tang Cuo apologised in a low voice; his voice was hoarse.

 

This sentence left Tang Xu at a loss.
If Tang Cuo had accused him, questioned him, or even yelled at him as he had done years ago, he felt he could have handled it.
But Tang Cuo’s apology left him speechless.

 

“I’ll take you out first.”

 

There were still a few people eating in the dining hall.
Tang Xu half-supported and half-carried Tang Cuo out, passed through the dining hall, and took him out the door.

 

The ground was cold, and Tang Xu thought about going to the car to get a cushion for Tang Cuo, but he just slumped down on the steps beside him like a lifeless body, with his head lowered and silent.

 

Tang Xu crouched down and touched his face.
“Are you still feeling uncomfortable?”

 

Tang Cuo still covered his stomach but shook his head.
His willpower was more depressed than his physical state right now.

 

“I’ll go get you a cup of water to rinse your mouth.
Otherwise, you won’t feel comfortable.
Can you wait for me here?”

 

Tang Cuo’s gaze seemed fixed on the ground, and he ignored Tang Xu.
He pulled up his turtleneck sweater to cover the bottom half of his face and curled up into a ball.

 

Tang Xu went back to McDonald’s, ordered a cup of hot milk at the counter, and asked the girl for a cup of hot water.
When he came out, Tang Cuo was still curled up.

 

Tang Xu helped him to the tree pit to rinse his mouth.
Tang Cuo was bent over and couldn’t stand up straight.
After rinsing his mouth, he sat down again.
Tang Xu handed him the milk to keep warm and then squatted in front of him, remaining silent for a long time.

 

The weather was very cold, and later, Tang Xu accidentally touched the milk in Tang Cuo’s hand, which had already become cold.

 

“Sorry, I didn’t know your reaction would be so intense,” Tang Xu sighed.
“It’s my fault.”

 

It was unclear which word or phrase triggered Tang Cuo’s nerves, but he suddenly looked up at Tang Xu.

 

“I shouldn’t have brought you here rashly.
I know you have shadows here.
I just wanted to try, even though I know it’s unlikely.” Tang Xu smiled bitterly, holding one hand and holding his face with the other.
“Can we reconnect from here?”

 

Tang Cuo didn’t understand what Tang Xu was saying and sat there motionless, watching his mouth move.

 

Tang Xu didn’t mind his lack of response and slowed down his speech, speaking each word clearly: “Even if it’s been too long and we can’t reconnect, I don’t want this place to be your demon anymore.
Si Hang, can you hear me talking?”

 

Tang Cuo nodded, his eyes confused.

 

“I won’t leave again.
Seven years ago, I sent you away in such an intense way.
I brought you out, but I didn’t take the responsibility I should have.
I just felt that I couldn’t teach you well and was afraid of corrupting you, so I left you to others.
I’m sorry.
I can probably guess how difficult these years have been for you.
I feel heartbroken and regretful.” Tang Xu leaned forward, looking into his eyes with great concentration.
Perhaps because of the lighting in the McDonald’s room, Tang Xu’s head was slightly tilted back, and there was a warm yellow light in his eyes, like the rising sun.

 

Whether it was from Tang Cuo’s change in character, his intentional or unintentional use of self-deprecating language, the situations that Wen Ying explained to him, or his performance in travelling far to see Shi Xi’s performance, he could roughly guess Tang Cuo’s regret, self-blame, and even his liking for him, like an obstruction in his heart.
He truly regretted it, regretted that he should not have sent Tang Cuo away, and even if he did, he should not have done so in that manner.
Despite his best intentions, he made Tang Cuo taste the feeling of being “abandoned” once more.
He even regretted not seeing the seed of affection in Tang Cuo’s behaviour back then as well as judging his abnormal behaviour as immaturity. 

 

However, what he regrets the most is his ignorance and neglect, which left Tang Cuo isolated and helpless for seven years.

 

If only he had discovered Tang Cuo’s situation earlier, things wouldn’t be as bad as they are now.

 

He approached Tang Cuo and leaned in, pressing his forehead against his.

 

“Si hang, you don’t have to forgive me for being irresponsible, but I hope you can forgive yourself, okay? You have apologized to Shi Xi, and she has forgiven you.
As for me, I’m really happy that you like me.”

 

Tang Cuo finally blinked his eyes after the final word was said.
On this cold winter night, the wind was too strong.
Tears streamed down his cheeks and could easily wet his face.